I never put it together until recently. I have always had obsessions. If you know me, then you know I am obsessed with unicorns and Paradise City. Before that it was peanut butter, zombies, and cows. I still like peanut butter. Recently as I have been working on my self-love and recognizing that it is time to do something about my bulimia, I realized that all of this is tied to my anxiety disorder.
For New Year’s I made the resolution to “eat like a normal person” and love my body. This hasn’t been working so well with my keto diet. However, I really need the keto to help manage bipolar disorder. I have made a compromise to eat like a normal person and follow keto as much as I can. No matter what happens I am not purging again. I purge for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes it is for the emotional release and sometimes it is to deal with my perfectionism.
I always thought OCD meant you were a clean freak or you checked your doors compulsively. I didn’t realize how many OCD behaviors I have. I used to meticulously count calories. Literally, I would measure my food so ridiculously that I would take off a gram or two of mushrooms to get my calories exactly right. I would spend one or two hours at night making sure my macros were completely perfect. No, you are not going to gain or lose weight over a gram of mushrooms. It’s not going to make two doodles of difference on much muscle you put on. This is food OCD.
Now that I have recognized my behaviors as anxiety and OCD, I think maybe it will help me to get them in check. I sledge hammered my scale and food scale a year ago. Now to work on changing the habits that made me this way.
Body dysmorphia — People think you are a shallow jerk
I posted these pictures on my Instagram account. I try very to be sensitive to people who struggle with body image and weightloss because I too have emotional issues with my body and how I look. When I say I feel “fat and ugly” people naturally don’t understand. They don’t realize that I might have spent two days freaking out crying because of a couple of lbs of weight gain. I have severe anxiety and worry about my weight in an irrational way. I have been dealing with this since my early teens. I was used to being the tiny girl and I became preoccupied with being the tiniest for a long time.
I also have emotional issues with food and self worth. Like some people self harm by cutting, I self harmed by depriving my body of food. I remember as a teen feeling that I didn’t deserve to eat so I didn’t. There a lot of reasons why people develop eating disorders and body dysmorphia.
Body dysmorphia is more common than you think
I am trying to blog about it because it’s more common than you think. People don’t always recognize it. Whenever I see someone posting about how they want to get down to a certain percentage of body fat or I see a friend who exercises excessively, I secretly think I wonder if they have body dysmorphia. Maybe they don’t even know it. Just because someone looks great on the outside doesn’t mean they feel great on the inside. Not everyone talks about their feelings like I do.