Sometimes I feel like the poster child for mental illness. Some days I ask myself why am I so open about this. Why don’t I just keep it to myself? It’s not like anyone would know I was feeling hypomanic or depressed today if I just kept it to myself. It’s not like people can see inside your brain. I used to just pretend. I used to live inside my head. I never told a soul that I had bipolar disorder, and ya know what, if you don’t tell people you can hide it. I am very high-functioning. I’m intelligent. Have a stable job, life, etc. I am open because it helps me. My anxiety has gone way down since I have started talking about it. There are no secrets to worry about, because I pretty much put my cards on the table. You either are okay with me or you’re not.
My bipolar disorder is a large part of who I am. And hiding it doesn’t help me. It might help you but it doesn’t help me. And quite frankly, I no longer care about having friends that don’t like me the way I am so…
So I have been ill the last few days. A migraine has taken me over. I haven’t done any of my routines for days. I need sameness, doing things over and over the same way, to keep my moods level. Routines keep me going. Routines get me fit. Routines keep me healthy. When my routines get messed up I feel anxiety again. My house is a mess because the kids have been running the show. Getting things back in order overwhelms me. Falling off my exercise routine makes me feel like I’ve lost control. Like I am never going to get back into a routine again. This is not melodrama either. It is so EASY to fall out of the routine of exercising. It only takes a couple days to break your habits.
So for me, exercise, eating well, and having routines is what keeps me healthy. So here we go back to the routines. Going through the motions. Even though I don’t feel well. I am going to write a list. Workout is going to be on the list. And even though it’s late in the day, I am getting myself back on track. Routines, routines, routines. They are important. This blog — it’s important to me. This is my new routine. Not everyone knows me well, but I am one determined little alien fighter. Watch me!