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It’s not my job to inspire everyone

It’s my job to inspire me.  As I am going to bed after a long day of recovering from a migraine, I started feeling disappointed with myself again.  I have this vision of who I want to be. I look at other people who always seem to have their shit together and think why can’t I be like this.  And sometimes I feel defeated.  Like, I am never going to get there.  The routines, routines, routines talk I keep having with myself, sometimes feels pointless. I feel like why am I bothering.  I can’t seem to do these routines every day, no matter how hard I try. Every day there is some sort of freaking obstacle.  Just the simple little things I am trying to get in a habit of are difficult for me. Yet, other people do this day in and day out and never seem to struggle with it.

Over the last year or so, I have wanted to give up so many times.  I want to just say I can’t do it.  This is who I am.  It’s too late for me to change.  Ya know, ya have to learn these habits when you’re young.  It’s too late for you to be this badass that you want to be.  Yet, I still I keep trying.  What’s the point of having goals, if goals are easy. I know what I want. I know that I AM capable of it.  The negative talk is serving me no purpose.  Today didn’t go so well but that’s okay.

So tonight as I am filled with self doubt and negative talk, I am going to calm those voices in my head by checking one more thing off my list.  Every day is a new day. Tomorrow I am going to make a new list.  And one day, I know that these routines I am working on will be a piece of cake. I am not adding anything new to my routines until I am solid on the ones I have started already.  Baby steps. Change is hard.

~Alien fighter extraordinaire

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